Author's Note: I don't know why I wrote this story, besides the fact that it was for an assignment. The idea just somehow came to me and I was instantly interested.
Rain was pouring from the gloomy sky in buckets. The dark clouds were making their way toward the gleaming moon.
Rain was pouring from the gloomy sky in buckets. The dark clouds were making their way toward the gleaming moon.
My little brother Daniel came crawling into my room.
“Sis!” he jabbered.
“What is it Danny!?” I groaned, half awake.
“Loud!” he shouted.
Then he stomped is tiny feet on the ground.
Thud.
I glared at him.
“Boom,” he whispered.
One look at his pitiful little face, his big blue eyes and
wispy blond hair, I just couldn’t say no.
“Okay…” I started.
“Yeah sis!” he shouted as he tried to climb into my
bed. I grabbed his clammy little hands
and pulled him up.
“Yeah yeah yeah!” he sang as he jumped around on the plush
mattress.
“Daniel Michael Jones!” I scolded. “Mom, dad and Carson are trying to sleep!”
“Not anymore,” a voice echoed through the dark and open
hallways.
Uh oh. I gulped.
“Sorry?” I called out.
“You woke me up,” she snarled. "You KNOW how much I don’t like getting
woken up.”
“Sis! Sis!” Daniel yelled as he tried to get off my
bed.
There was a dull sound, and everything else was a blur.
“Ow,” came a little voice from a few feet down. I slowly peered my head over the side of the
bed.
“Hi,” he giggled.
“Oh Danny,” Carson exclaimed as she stroll toward him. He was laughing hysterically.
She reached to pick him up from his helpless position on the
ground.
“Help,” he whimpered.
He held out his arms and waved his hands.
She put her hands under his armpits and lifted him up.
“Time for you to go back to bed!” she said enthusiasticly.
“No!” Daniel yelled.
Little tears began to form in his bright eyes.
“Well too bad!” she exclaimed.
Daniel flailed his arms and legs, struggling to get out of
Carson’s firm grasp.
“Help sis help!” he cried.
“Sorry bud,” I replied.
“You’re out of luck.”
He began bawling.
“AHHHHH!” Carson screamed from Daniel’s room.
I rushed into the animal filled room. It was pitch black. I tried flipping the switch, but the power
was out.
“Where are you Carson?” I screamed. My heart was pounding hard.
“Over here!” I heard
a voice coming from the right.
“Carson!” I screamed as I dashed toward the corner. Then, out of the blue I was falling down a dark
hole, my scream echoing through the darkness.
* * * * * * * *
I landed on the soft mushy ground.
“Hello?” I called. I
tried to stand.
“Sis?” a voice echoed.
“Danny!” I shouted.
I dashed toward where I thought I heard the voice.
That’s when I felt an arm.
“Daniel? Carson?” I
whispered as softly as I could.
“Sis!!!!” he shouted.
“Shush Danny!” Carson
exclaimed.
“Sorry sis,” he replied.
“Where are we? “ I asked Carson.
She froze.
“Carson?? What are
you doing??” I cried.
“I heard something,” she answered. “Something strange.”
“Carson, you’re crazy.
There is no noise…”
My heart skipped a beat when I heard rustling leaves.
“Hello?” Carson questioned.
Silence.
“Anyone there?” I yelled.
Silence.
“It was probably just my imagination,” Carson assured.
More rustling.
I shook my head. “Definitely
not your imaginat…”
My sentence got cut off when we realized something.
Daniel wasn’t with us.
* * * * * * * *
“Daniel! Where are
you?” Carson and I shouted.
We searched through the luscious woods for Daniel.
“Daniel! Answer us!”
I cried.
“Oh this is bad, this is really bad,” Carson was mumbling.
Continuing our search for Daniel, we kept walking, even
though there was a searing pain in my leg and something was in my eye.
“Sis! Help!” I heard
in the distance.
I turned my head to see Carson staring right at me. I stared into her dark green eyes as we
quietly spoke in unison. “Daniel.”
She took off in a sprint, and I bolted ahead right behind
her.
“Danny! Answer us!”
“Help sis help!” came the voice.
“This way,” Carson said as she pointed to my left.
I quickly turned and ran ahead.
“Danny!” Carson screamed.
“Sis!” yelled the voice.
It seemed much closer now.
“AHHHHH!” Carson shrieked.
“What!? What is it?”
I questioned.
“Ha-ha sis scared,” Daniel giggled with his hand on Carson’s
foot.
“Daniel, that is not funny,” I tried to scold him, but I
began to laugh too.
“Where did you run of too Danny?” Carson asked him.
“Here! Here!” he
yelled excitedly.
“Come on let’s go,” I said to Carson.
Carson began to follow Daniel. I trotted right behind.
"See sis!" he announced.
"Woah," Carson remarked.
"See sis!" he announced.
"Woah," Carson remarked.
There was a giant porthole in the ground.
“Go!” Daniel
exclaimed.
"Come on," Carson ordered. "Let's take a look."
I gradually walked up to the massive hole and leaned ove.
"I wonder what it does," Carson implored.
"Me too," I answered.
"Sis go in!" Daniel asserted.
"What?" Carson demanded
"Come on," Carson ordered. "Let's take a look."
I gradually walked up to the massive hole and leaned ove.
"I wonder what it does," Carson implored.
"Me too," I answered.
"Sis go in!" Daniel asserted.
"What?" Carson demanded
"Watch me sis!" he said to me
He walked up to Carson and squeezed her to a pulp.
Daniel pushed her in.
“Bye bye!” he called to her as she was sucked into the
porthole.
I grabbed Daniel and jumped in the porthole following
Carson.
“Wee!” Daniel giggled.
I just smiled.
* * * * * * * *
“Sis’s bed!” Daniel yelled as he jumped.
“Huh?” Carson asked, rubbing her head.
“Were home,” I exclaimed with a grin.
Carson smiled back.
“Exactly where we should be.”
I really liked your dialogue in this piece, however some sentences don't need to be on a separate line such as "silence." It makes it really hard to read because you have to keep scrolling. Otherwise good job.
ReplyDeleteOK I won't do that so much next time
ReplyDeleteI love the dialogue you used; that seems like a strength of yours! Maybe you could describe the location of the of the characters more often, because there were a few times where I was confused about that (It could be just me). Overall, nice job!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
ReplyDeleteMaybe use more detail when you are describing things... I think it would make the story more interesting...
ReplyDeleteOK thanks :)
ReplyDeleteI think you are very strong at writing, you really put some time and effort into your pieces. Maybe you could try proofreading it more. I think you could be a wonderful author someday.
ReplyDelete